During their teen years, almost everyone deals with insecurity. Whether through an insecure friend or self-consciousness, it is very common within high schoolers and can harm connections with others.
Uncertainty in oneself can cause many unnecessary conflicts that could easily be solved with communication and confidence. Oftentimes, these conflicts, such as an argument about a missed text or a minor comment, aren’t truly about the problem being addressed, rather they come from self-doubting behaviors.
Insecurity is generally defined as an anxiety about oneself and a lack of confidence. Insecurity is normal, especially within teens, but when it’s left unchecked, it can control someone’s life.
“All people are likely to experience some type of insecurity, but we can strengthen our confidence through different experiences,” AP Psychology teacher Ashley Anderson said.
Insecurity becomes harmful when a teen doesn’t have positive experiences to keep their confidence high. If someone grew up without the ability to move past imperfections, they are more likely to deal with insecurity more easily.
“Growing up, I feel like I didn’t treat failure as the end of the world,” sophomore Bentli Crouch said. “I think it makes me a less insecure person now then if I didn’t grow up like that.”
Dealing with insecure friends can be draining. The need for constant reassurance is often hard to deal with and can push people apart. With the continuous battle of keeping a friend feeling secure, a friendship can lose its fun and become more of a chore.
“You want your friends to be comforting and enjoyable to be around,” sophomore Kiriann Panick said. “If they’re not, the friendship just isn’t worth it anymore.”
Overthinking is also a common theme of insecurity. Constantly reading into the other person’s tone, texts, and body language, or becoming upset due to a small shift, is exhausting for both parties.
Jealousy can also come from insecurity, showing up as envy of a friend’s closeness to others. This issue is common and usually stems from a fear of abandonment.
“I had a close friend that would get upset with me whenever I wanted to spend time with my other friends,” Crouch said. “It got exhausting to constantly have to reassure her”
Jealousy also commonly leads to comparison and competition. Friendships are supposed to be uplifting, but competition can lead to one friend bringing the other down in an attempt to make themselves feel better.
“When you see your best friend get something that you want, being jealous really only hurts yourself,” Panick said.
Insecurity may also cause people-pleasing behaviors. The need to constantly follow other people’s wants and needs can build up resentment due to the ignoring of one’s own needs. This may cause conflicts later on when the resentment reaches its peak and can no longer be handled healthily.
“If you need something from a friend, you can’t demand it, but you have to be able to communicate and listen to your own needs,” Panick said.
Patterns of insecurity are especially common within romantic relationships. In these, the people involved are usually more connected and vulnerable than in a friendship. This makes it much easier for uncertainty to develop, and often more harmful when it does.
One of the most common ways insecurity presents itself within relationships is through a fear of abandonment. People show this in a variety of ways, spanning from clinginess to withdrawing emotionally by not expressing themselves. Both of these patterns can be exhausting for a partner to deal with and leave them unsure on the best way to approach conflicts.
“Insecurity can cause someone to not be honest about their feelings within a relationship, and sometimes that can lead to resentment,” Anderson said.
While jealousy can be shown in friendships, it is more commonly shown in relationships due to insecurity. Partners can constantly over analyze interactions with others and make the relationship destructive.
“You shouldn’t have to constantly reassure a partner that your other connections aren’t harmful to your relationship, ” Crouch said. “That’s unhealthy.”
Another way insecurity can harm relationships is through self-sabotage. Worrying about messing up a relationship often leads to exactly what is feared and can cause someone to push away a partner out of fear that they will do the same, ruining what could have been a healthy relationship.
A lack of confidence is very normal within humans, especially in a high school setting. While growing, teens struggle with issues within connections, low-self esteem, complicated family dynamics, and pressure to appear perfect. All of these struggles are only amplified when mixed with social media and comparison culture.
Self-doubt is often amplified with difficult experiences. Dealing with unreliable friends and partners can cause insecurity in previously confident teens. Additionally, insecure behavior is harmful to both people within a connection. This can cause overthinking and anxiety within the insecure person, while also causing the other person to no longer feel comfortable in the relationship and give them a sense of walking on eggshells.
To prevent harmed connections, insecurity can be managed in many different ways, with the first step being awareness.
Honest communication within connections and boundaries can also prevent insecurity from ruining the relationship.
“Open communication isn’t easy, but it’s necessary, especially in close relationships,” Crouch said.
Another way to prevent self-doubt in connections is to make improvements to one’s own life. This can look like pursuing an enjoyable hobby or spending time with uplifting people. Oftentimes, these people can be found through shared interests, hobbies, and experiences.
“Some people are going to think you should not spend time on things you are passionate about,” Crouch said, “But you should always go after what you want and things you enjoy.”
Insecurity is human, but awareness can help protect connections. A strong relationship requires people being secure with themselves outside of the connection.
“Insecurity just hurts yourself more than it hurts other people,” Panick said. “It gets to a point where you have to find a way to get over it.”
